As I awoke this morning from a dream, just days before my 82nd birthday, I was acutely aware that I have been in a near-trance this whole year of being 81.
How did this happen to me?
The answer was very clear in my dream. In the dream I was in a yoga class, trying to regain flexibility and stamina in my body. Suddenly, a young woman parked herself very close to me. I gently touched her and asked her if she could move forward.
“Can you please move further away from me? You are crowding me, and I cannot follow the class or have enough room to move as I need to move.” She was irritated with me, but she did move forward to another spot.
After the class, I touched her and tried to explain myself. “You see, I have had a very rough year medically. I have advanced cancer, and it has taken so much from me. The treatments, the side effects. “
My dream was telling me that my SELF has been abducted by the CANCER and The EFECTS of my Medical Treatment:
I tried to go along with the medical establishment, tried to follow the prescribed treatment plan from my UCLA Oncologist. I had turned to him when 2 ablations failed to destroy the cancer in my liver and the wall of my abdomen.
I told him, “My Holistic approach to healing my body, mind, emotions and spirit is not working. I need some help.”
He recommended I start Xeloda – a pill form of 5-FU – that I could take at home. He said, “The side effects will be minimal.” I took 2 pills, twice a day for 5 months, on a 21-day cycle. Then he said, “I would like to start you on another chemotherapy, Oxaliplatin, that you would receive through a port and IV Infusion. It will increase the effectiveness of the Xeloda.
It sounded reasonable to me, so I said, “Yes.” Unfortunately, after 5 months of this combo, the side effects became quite toxic, long lasting, unbearable. I could feel my SELF gradually eroding away. My body, mind, emotions and spirit were miserable.
On top of this there was a problem with my umbilicus (my belly button). It was inflamed, red, extremely sensitive to touch. My Oncologist basically ignored my questions and concern. He did not tell me that it was cancer outside my body, did not refer to for a Radiation consult, and it kept growing larger, affecting my movement, my ability to exercise, and my overall well-being.
More of me was disappearing, I became very depressed and despondent, and finally I told him, “No more chemotherapy. I am taking 2 months off to travel to my home in Santa Fe – where I hope to regain my sense of SELF and allow my body to heal from treatment and begin rebuilding her immune system.”
In addition, I made appointments at City of Hope Irvine to explore what they might have to offer me upon my return.
During the 2 months in Santa Fe, the cancer grew like wildfire.
Scans at City of Hope revealed the cancer had returned to my liver, increased in my abdominal cavity, and spread to my brain.
My radiation Oncologist scheduled me for 10 days of targeted Radiation for my umbilicus (which he said was cancer growing on the outside of my body) and 5 days of targeted radiation for the right side of my brain. That was a brutal, exhausting schedule in which my husband drove me daily to City of Hope in Irvine from Santa Monica. I had to lay in the back of his car, on my back – as my abdomen was very sore and I could not sit upright.
More of my SELF was eroding. I was lying in the back of the car like a helpless invalid. I could not drive myself; I was dependent on my husband and family. I was no longer the independent, strong person I have always been. That “traveling like an invalid” began to penetrate my psyche.
THE CANCER, THE TREATMENTS, THE SIDE EFFECTS OF TREATMENT TOOK OVER MY LIFE and ABDUCTED My SELF.
When I started chemotherapy one week after radiation, I faced more erosion of my SELF. I had to be driven, as the radiation side effects kicked in with severe fatigue, an open wound in my umbilicus, inability to sit upright in the car. Then I had side effects from the chemo – chronic diarrhea, loss of appetite, fatigue. More of my SELF was abducted by the process.
Now the Oncologist wants to add a second chemotherapy – “to enhance the effectiveness of the first chemo.”
The quality of my life is once more in question: What more is left of my SELF? Is there any SELF left? More depression, more questions enter my mind.
WHO IS DRIVING IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT OF MY LIFE?
HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT ALL OF THIS?
HOW CAN I TAKE BACK CONTROL OF MY LIFE?
The dream I had this morning jolted me back to consciousness. MY SELF IS BACK AND SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHO SHE IS AND WHAT SHE WANTS:
I must be in control of MY health care decisions.
I must find treatment at a closer location so that I can drive myself.
I must tell my doctors what I am willing and NOT WILLING to do.
I must decide if and when I want to stop treatment.
I must protect myself in my Advanced Health Directive and who I name as my agents.
I must focus on empowering every part of my person: body, mind, emotions and spirit.
I must find local resources that can help me, and hire people to do jobs I need assistance with: housekeeping, gardening, dog walking, etc.
I must love and support myself in every way possible: diet, exercise, massage, therapy support, self-care.
This is MY life, and it is my responsibility to provide myself with QUALITY OF LIFE.
I do not know what 2026 has in store for me. It is my prayer that I CAN FIND BALANCE AND PEACEFULNESS and RETAIN MY JOY FOR LIVING AND HELPING OTHER PEOPLE.
Blessings to everyone around the world at this Holiday Season. I am sending you Love, Support and Prayers for Healing and Joy.
You do not walk your painful journeys by yourself. I am with you and pray you will always know and advocate for your SELF!