Transforming Night Terror into a free-floating spiritual adventure.
Over the last 5 years and 3 months, I have shared with my readers and followers every phase of my Active Treatment – employing every weapon in the arsenal of Western medicine – a full out war to eradicate and kill my Pancreatic cancer.
This phase was fraught with Action, determination, and willingness to accept the mutilation of my body through surgery, rounds of chemotherapy, ablations, cryoablations, more chemo, radiation, and much personal effort to keep myself from dying.
Effort and commitment every day, rain or shine, fear or not, suffering or not, believing if I tried hard enough I could win the battle. There were small, short-lived successes, but my cancer kept growing and eventually set up satellite sites throughout my body – liver, abdominal cavity, umbilicus, brain.
There were many disappointments, bouts of sadness, despair, depression, and pain.
I have recently entered a second phase: Cessation of Treatment. All the past efforts have failed and my cancer is widespread. The Western medical establishment says there is nothing more it can do – except possibly a stint to unblock the liver bile duct, which might reverse the jaundice and help my body absorb nutrition.
Personally, I am relieved. I am exhausted by all the years of effort and pushing myself to kill the cancer.
In this new phase I can let go of Effort and relax into God and the wisdom of my body. As I surrender and learn to Listen, I am finding great wisdom. I am experiencing great peacefulness and trust.
I know that I will physically die someday, but that day is not now.
I am finding great joy and learning new things every day – and that excites me.
I am finding people who love me, no matter my hair loss, weight loss, color of my skin. They love me and won’t go away. In fact, they are asking for More Time with me, more ways to serve and care for me.
As I listen to my body, she tells me what to do, reveals her secrets, teaches me. The same can be said of my spirit. She is housed in my body and they are intricately entwined.
The dance they do while I try to sleep is amazing and exciting. I have no fear. I am their devoted student -all eyes, all ears, all willingness to learn and grow.
They give me dreams, body sensation promptings, creativity, energy, changes in my body symptoms, suggestions….it is very exciting, fresh, deep, spiritual.
I take one day at a time and savor the lessons, implement them. There is no effort or work involved.
I do not walk this journey alone. God is always with me and sometimes He carries me when I call out and ask Him. I have my loved ones and activities that bring me Joy. And most importantly, I have my SELF back!
I love my Self and find her fascinating, resilient, powerful, and funny. I am a creative, meditative introvert who loves learning and personal growth, sharing the gifts God gave me with the world – to decrease fear, increase hope, and promote personal empowerment.
I welcome you to join me in this journey and send Love, and God’s blessings.