Wounds and coping mechanisms from early childhood have a lingering effect in adulthood.
If you felt unseen and unheard; your independence was curbed; your emotional, physical, intellectual, social needs were not met by your parents, it is normal to develop basic mistrust and poor self-esteem, and to latch on to unhealthy coping mechanisms to cope with unmet needs.
There are many choices of coping mechanisms. Of course, the child doesn’t realize he is choosing one. He/she is just trying to escape the pain on a basic survival level. The choice is unconscious.
Here are some possible mechanisms: Defiant behavior, becoming an “island unto him/herself, avoidance behavior, alcohol or substance abuse, joining a gang, self-harm, rage or other addictions, people pleaser, denial that there is a problem, codependent relationships, perfectionism, dissociation – to name a few.
What did you choose?
Try as hard as they can, it is impossible for kids to get what they so desperately need if their parents are dysfunctional, deny there are problems in the family, and refuse to change their behavior.
The child is left to absorb the pain – which can be unbearable. In the worst cases, some resort to suicide or homicide.
These early coping mechanisms are essential for survival and become firmly ingrained in the child – they become the “default mode” as they progress through life.
Often, these mechanisms that helped them survive traumatic childhoods poison every part of the growing adult’s life: their relationships with others, their experiences in school and jobs, their own body, mind, emotions and spirit, their inability to love themselves on the deepest level, their ability to parent their own children.
In my life, the lingering maladaptive coping mechanism I have is Perfectionism. I have spent my whole life creating achievements, being “strong,” capable, hoping it would make me lovable to my parents, myself, and others.
This mechanism is a curse in my 5-year journey with Pancreatic cancer. As my treatments have failed to eradicate my cancer, the side effects have weakened my body, stamina, and strength, tested my emotions to the point of almost breaking, I am left with my strong spirit and my relationship with God to carry me forward.
I am having to trust that those who love me truly love “ME AS I AM NOW.” They want to spend time with me because they love me; I don’t have to earn their love. I have it as a free gift.
Cancer is teaching me that “Glass half-full” is okay. I need to let go of trying to be perfect, trying to have a “perfect cancer outcome,” wanting my life to function perfectly in every area. It’s okay if I can weed only half my garden, only clean my house 3 days a week, get exhausted and need to rest by 3:00pm, hire a dog walker to give our puppy Lakota more exercise than I can give him, must concentrate on completing one task at a time, have to postpone some things for tomorrow or another day, have lost weight and some hair from cancer treatments.
Cancer has changed my life, but I am still the child God created.
Being perfect is impossible. Trying to be perfect is exhausting and demanding. People are humans with limitations. Real life is flawed, messy, filled with changes, challenges at every stage of life, wins, losses, defeats, successes, and eventual death.
I must find PEACE, JOY, ACCEPTANCE, GRATITUDE in present time, each day, within myself and in my world. I must BE ABLE TO LAUGH ABOUT MYSELF and the ABSURDITIES OF LIFE and move forward. I must believe that I AM “GOOD ENOUGH” even with my limitations.
This is a hard process, a steep learning curve.
I send my prayers, love, support and understanding to all those around the world grappling with similar issues.
Do you have a childhood coping mechanism that is ruining your life and depleting your joy?
Are you conditional in the way you love and talk to yourself? Do you push people away? Are you trying to get love from the wrong people? Are you so angry and empty that you are harming others or yourself?
THE INNER CHILD inside you is LOVABLE.
FREE THE CHILD. LOVE THE CHILD and THE FLAWED ADULT.
FORGIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS.
EMBRACE YOUR WORLD, MAKE CHANGES IF THEY ARE NEEDED, MAKE WAY FOR INNER PEACE.
After I published this article last night, God showed me in my sleep that the quest to be perfect was driven by my lonely, frightened Inner Child who needed her parents’ love but did not receive it unless she did remarkable things. It was conditional love that did not last. It was not solid. It was dependent upon her achievements. Deep inside, at her core, she felt defective and unlovable. She did not love herself.
God, with His Infinite Love, has pined for me to realize I am lovable, that He loves me just because I am His child. Even with the changes in my body from cancer, He finds me beautiful, intelligent, funny, joyful in my humanness. His love is permanent, everlasting.
I did not know when I started writing this article that I would have this breakthrough. He met me where I am on my cancer journey and released me.
Praise and Glory to God! If He is healing me, surly He can heal you. Open your heart and let Him in. He loves you unconditionally and wants you to know how wonderful you are.